Depression

Imagine watching everyone else handle life so effortlessly while for you, getting out of bed some days looks like an impossible feat. Barely treading water. Impossible. The pain sometimes so unbearable that death seems a better alternative. Still I get out of bed. I get dressed. Put on my makeup and shoes. Show up and pretend to be like everyone else. Fraud. That is what I am. Maybe no one will notice. People talk to me and it’s a reminder to me just how lonely I actually am. I smile and speak the appropriate responses to people so no one will know, yet inside, I am just screaming for someone to help. I can’t ask for help. I already feel like a waste of resources in this existence. I could not possibly ask for help and be more of a burden to others. I go to work every day, why do I need help? I shower daily, why do I need help? I still get things done even if not to my full potential, why do I need help? I love on my babies and take care of their needs, why do I need help? Maybe I am not sick enough?

Depression is living life in slow motion. Slowly crawling down a black hole with no light at the end. It’s pain. It’s sadness. It’s feeling like I will feel this way forever. I watch the world slowly moving by every painful moment of every day. Days blend together. I go through the motions of doing what I am expected to do each day but never feel any joy in any of it.

Depression is feeling like I have no purpose in this existence. What is the point in living? I can’t do anything worthy anyway. I do not feel like I deserve any amount of joy. People tell me that I am doing well at work and school and take good care of my family. Still they must be lying because I am certain I am not even good enough at breathing which is mostly an involuntary skill. People tell me that I look nice. Impossible. I know that I look just as terrible as I feel. Why is everyone lying to me?

Depression is feeling like no one wants me around them. No one wants to talk to me. People invite me to places out of feelings of obligation. People talk to me out of feelings of obligation. People don’t want me around because they actually love me or even like me. They feel sorry for me because certainly they can see through my mask and they know how fragile I am. I have nothing to offer anyone of any value.

Depression is gaining or losing weight. I over eat to try and fill the void in my life or I refuse to eat as I do not have the energy to bother.

Depression is being tired all of the time. So tired that no matter how much sleep I get, I still feel weak. I feel like I am so exhausted that even brushing my hair causes extreme fatigue. I am not lazy although I feel that I am. I just have no energy. I suffer from physical pain along with the mental anguish. Every muscle in my body hurts.

Depression is chronic insomnia. I lie awake at night reliving past experiences that I failed at. I feel guilt. I feel shame. My mind will not shut off as I lie in the quiet of the night feeling like the light will never come. Maybe tomorrow I simply won’t get out of bed and face another day of disappointments. Maybe I will lie here forever until I can find an end to all of the suffering.

Depression is having occasional good days. I am highly productive. I get all the things accomplished. I have a small amount of hope that maybe I will be okay. I start to wonder why I struggled so much for so many months before with functioning well. I may even feel some joy in my day. Life isn’t that hard.

Depression is struggling with keeping up with daily life tasks. I sometimes struggle with self care. I get invited to places with friends or family but I simply can’t show up. I fail at keeping commitments sometimes. Not because I don’t want to be reliable but because I literally physically cannot make an appearance in that moment with my mask on. Or I just forgot that I made a commitment.

Depression is feeling alone. I know deep within me that no one has ever suffered with feeling so lonely. I know that no one has ever experienced what I am going through. I am trapped inside my own mind. I live in my own prison bound in chains that I cannot escape.

Can you relate? Do you suffer in your own nightmare apart from reality? Those who suffer from depression all suffer differently but one thing that we have in common is the loneliness and torment that we endure.

Depression lies.

There is HOPE. We are not ALONE. We are WORTHY. There is JOY in life. We do deserve HELP.

Symptoms of Depression. Taken from the Mayo clinic website. During a depressive episode, symptoms occur most of the day, nearly every day and they may include:

  1. Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
  2. Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
  3. Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities such as sex, hobbies or sports
  4. Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
  5. Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
  6. Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
  7. Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
  8. Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
  9. Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
  10. Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
  11. Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
  12. Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain and headaches

**Disclaimer ** I am not a mental health provider. I cannot offer professional advice. I am sharing my life experiences with hope of connecting with other sufferers of depression. Please do seek help from a licensed trained mental health provider if you feel you might be suffering from depression.

National suicide hotline – 800-273-8255 for 24/7 free and confidential support in the US.

One way that I have helped my depression is with my magical morning routine. You can read about it here. Wake up at 5am!

Be safe and Stay well. ❤

11 Comments »

  1. I have had alot of these depression issues since I lost my son. I believe I will eventually get better. I can now relate to alot of what you are saying. Never dealt with this before. I hate it.

    Like

    • I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Becky. I cannot image the sort of pain you are suffering with. Depression is such a dark and lonely place to live in. I do hope you will find peace. Much love to you.

      Like

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